If it's possible to feel worse about myself, I'm sure I'll discover it. I don't just feel physically fat, I feel obese in all my other selves: emotionally, spiritually, and more selves I can't think of.

Why did I allow myself to be led down this path of misery and loneliness? Why did I slumber? Why did I permit so many powerful opportunities to go unrealized? Why do I yet go down this path?

Was I really so lazy, incompetent, and/or stupid to think I could procrastinate my salvation 'til the time felt right? I think that's it: in the end, I was just stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Yet I still go down this path. Sometimes I even run. Do I sprint? I've been a f*** little s***, haven't I? Who else has squandered so many rich blessings? I have spent them all, like so much expendable capital thinking (rather not thinking) there wouldn't be an end to them. What an idiotic thing to do. What a childish, stupid thing to do.

Yet I still go down this path. I curse the lost things, the vanished chances. I curse the day I set foot on this path. I recall it too well. F*** that day.

Yet, I still go down this path. The kind people, the chances to grow and advance, the chances to serve and love and show charity - I spit on them all. I reject them, squander them, spend them, all to save myself the inconvenience of leaving this path, this path with the all-too-well-worn rut, and striking out into the unknown.

The unknown. I'm such the adventurer, right? Then why this 10+ year reluctance to take on the most eternal of challenges, this life altering (if by God's grace I could get it to work) self-peace process?

I live in self-imposed, solitary confinement, in the midst of a sea of people. When I muster the desire or the courage or the stupidity (no hard task) to venture out to interact with others, the smallest infraction is all it takes for me to give up. Were anyone to accuse me of not trying hard enough they would be right - though it feels I've become raw from trying. Remaining open and vulnerable in spite of the harshness of human(not-so)kind - what could possibly be harder? I'm damned, aren't I?