It's been more than two weeks now since I've been able to access or edit my blog. And not it's been three days since I've been able to access hotmail. Why?!!
Thursday, September 04, 2003
Tuesday, August 12, 2003
Welcome to Ministry of Labor, Republic of Korea, Labor Standards Act: "Article 71 (Menstruation Leave)
An employer shall allow a female worker one day's menstruation leave with pay per month. "
An employer shall allow a female worker one day's menstruation leave with pay per month. "
Hmmm . . . What a progressive country I work in. Hard to imagine anyone would ever use such a benefit; a woman would have to announce why she was taking the day off and surely it would be hard to keep her coworkers from knowing why she was absent.
Monday, August 11, 2003
Sunday, July 27, 2003
How did I get here? What train of damnation brought me here so swiftly? Why did I so readily ignore the pavers on this road to hell? I so readily supplied those pavers, a willingly blind accomplice to my own personal destruction. How anxious I was to sublimate my supposed eternal agenda in favor of the dark secrets of my heart. How utterly foolish I was to think I could aspire to those lofty peaks as I wallowed in the gutter of self-satisfaction.
Cast all of my upcoming psycho self-analysis aside and think on my own about the root of my problems. What do I fear? Of what am I uncertain? Why am I reluctant to face or concede my shortcomings especially when there exists the possibility I could break the chains that bind me? Do these musings of late bear any worth or do they just mask or shelter me from yet again facing the truth? I should bear in mind they ought never become more than a means and never the and itself.
Friday, July 18, 2003
Mine is the life of the damned, the life of the miserable, lonely, unhappy, unfulfilled, discontent, disquieted, abandoned, the life of the damned.
I am alone.
How I got here may some day be a lesson to others how not to live. But really, what did I do so wrong that would engender such misery? Am I really as bad, repugnant, despicable, and without redemption that I deserve such punishment? If not, then how did I really get here?
What did I really do to get here?
Where is here? Here is lonely, alone, unhappy, single, nearly friendless, neglected, forgotten, bitter, and, once more, damned.
If I don't self-implode of my own doing it will be due only to the elusive grace of God.
Happiness is elusive. So is lasting peace. So are true friends, caring friends, unconditional friends. Do they exist? It's doubtful.
Where can I turn for peace?
Thursday, July 17, 2003
If the time should come that I can think about dating again, I'll have a fundamental problem to overcome: the plague. Yes, I have the plague or something equivalent to it that makes the softer sex run away, screaming for life. I can recall at least four instances of such terror-runnings over the past twelve months.
The cause of this fundamental and monumental problem is both obvious and murky to me. Obvious because I can hear a professional making the cause and effect link after suffering through an hour of listening to my sad tale; murky because I just don't' get why behavior A leads to outcome B. Thus I flounder and fight the tide that would bring me home to the sheltered harbor I dream will protect me from the frequent, sudden, violent storms I new endure.
Dating then is a distant, sometimes pleasant, often forgettable, memory, not a present hope. And my pain grows.
When it comes to interacting with others, I know I can be an ass. I know that even as I try to avoid this tendency, as I try to be a nice person, people tend to think of me with ill regard. I don't mean kind, charitable people; rather, I mean worldly, do-it-on-your-own people, the types who are subject to their daily changing personal whims.
This all flies in the face of the kind of persona I try and think I exude. In spite of my easily offended nature, I think of myself in terms of being a thoughtful, considerate, jovial person. I go out of my way to offer the types of common courtesies to my coworkers I hope they'll offer in return. I am more patient and forgiving than most. I almost daily seek to initiate conversations and interactions that will promote and build on common ground.
So I take severe exception to people who appear to take long-term offense to me or my behavior. I cannot help but take it personally, deeply personally, when others shut themselves off to me under the guise that I am impossible to work with, especially when they do so without so much as attempting to seek a common ground or understanding themselves.
Of course this rant all has relevant context. Excluding the drama of my problems with C. some months back and dismissing the ongoing but (I hope) improving problems with the K.T., I feel embroiled in yet another growing misunderstanding between S. and myself, which would be bad enough by itself but it's spreading to the reasonable, stable half of that partnership, G.
And I'm faced with the same problem I always encounter in such situations: should I act and proceed as though I don't care, that it doesn't bother me, and as if I'm completely ignorant of the change in the other person's behavior or should I instead confront the problem and, in this instance, the dreary, tedious, dull, reactionary, contrary, small-minded, frumpy, borish perpetrator of said problem?
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
If it's possible to feel worse about myself, I'm sure I'll discover it. I don't just feel physically fat, I feel obese in all my other selves: emotionally, spiritually, and more selves I can't think of.
Why did I allow myself to be led down this path of misery and loneliness? Why did I slumber? Why did I permit so many powerful opportunities to go unrealized? Why do I yet go down this path?
Was I really so lazy, incompetent, and/or stupid to think I could procrastinate my salvation 'til the time felt right? I think that's it: in the end, I was just stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Yet I still go down this path. Sometimes I even run. Do I sprint? I've been a f*** little s***, haven't I? Who else has squandered so many rich blessings? I have spent them all, like so much expendable capital thinking (rather not thinking) there wouldn't be an end to them. What an idiotic thing to do. What a childish, stupid thing to do.
Yet I still go down this path. I curse the lost things, the vanished chances. I curse the day I set foot on this path. I recall it too well. F*** that day.
Yet, I still go down this path. The kind people, the chances to grow and advance, the chances to serve and love and show charity - I spit on them all. I reject them, squander them, spend them, all to save myself the inconvenience of leaving this path, this path with the all-too-well-worn rut, and striking out into the unknown.
The unknown. I'm such the adventurer, right? Then why this 10+ year reluctance to take on the most eternal of challenges, this life altering (if by God's grace I could get it to work) self-peace process?
I live in self-imposed, solitary confinement, in the midst of a sea of people. When I muster the desire or the courage or the stupidity (no hard task) to venture out to interact with others, the smallest infraction is all it takes for me to give up. Were anyone to accuse me of not trying hard enough they would be right - though it feels I've become raw from trying. Remaining open and vulnerable in spite of the harshness of human(not-so)kind - what could possibly be harder? I'm damned, aren't I?
Monday, July 14, 2003
I am empty. I am lost. I fight to resist the endless surge of loneliness that ever strains to swallow me whole. My resistance wears thin. My defenses are vanishing. My hope is fading, fading...
What can I do to renew my hope? Where can I turn for help? How can I realistically expect to find a solution to my pain and loneliness? How can I possibly believe that I'll recognize it if I find it? In the name of God, what will it take to make me successfully use such a solution when or if I find it and recognize it?
If I dwell for more than a moment on the sheer size of my failure, the darkness, the abyss, fills my breast with terror. I am horrified when I think what I've squandered. How did I allow so many opportunities to slip away?
I stood at the crossroad, dazzled by the endless number and infinite variety of choices, baffled by the implications of the choices, mystified how I could ever make the right choices, and the opportunity to choose well slipped away.
What a fool I was. What a failure I am. What a hopeless, pathetic caricature I've become.
Heaven help me. Who else will?
Thursday, July 10, 2003
The Korean Blog List - Korean related weblogs written in English: "Introduction
The Korean Blog List. It's very simple really. It's a list of English language blogs which relate to Korea. They may be written by Koreans or non-Koreans, but they all have one things in common. Korea.
The Korean Blog List aims to brings such blogs together, to make them easier for interested readers to find, and to help the bloggers get more readers."
The Korean Blog List. It's very simple really. It's a list of English language blogs which relate to Korea. They may be written by Koreans or non-Koreans, but they all have one things in common. Korea.
The Korean Blog List aims to brings such blogs together, to make them easier for interested readers to find, and to help the bloggers get more readers."
Wednesday, July 09, 2003
Korea.net: Korean Government Homepage: "The Expatriate Handbook [English] Introduces 'The Expatriate Handbook' published by Hollym. It was compiled for the expatriate living in Seoul for a short, limited time only. The handbook takes an A to Z format providing information on everything, from locating day-to-day conveniences, to recreation, social and cultural information. "
Wednesday, July 02, 2003
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
Monday, June 30, 2003
monday | 06.30.03 | korea | year 2 overseas | day 59
I submitted the following this morning for publication in the high school newspaper. Keep in mind it was written to first year high school students, equivalent to 10th grade in the States, with intermediate English language skills.
My Big Family
One of the first things I noticed when I came to Korea last year in March was that families appear to be very important. Whether a family has one child, two children, or even four kids, Korean parents spend a lot of time and energy trying to raise happy families. It is much the same where I come from. My home state of Utah in the United States is famous for its large families but as large as each family gets, parents still love each child equally.
My own family is quite large when compared to most Korean families. I have one brother and four sisters. Both my mother and father came from large families so I also have many aunts, uncles, and cousins. Recently I sat down to determine just how many relatives I have. How big do you think my immediate and extended family is? Fifty people? Seventy five people? One hundred people? I think you'll be surprised.
I already mentioned that I have one brother and four sisters. Two of my sisters and my brother are married. One sister has two sons, the other has two daughters and one son, and my brother has one daughter and one son. That means I have four nephews and three nieces. Add them all up and I have eighteen people in my immediate family!
Now for my extended family. My father has two brothers and three sisters. They are all married of course and they have many children. So, on my father's side, I have two grandparents (though my grandfather passed away eight years ago), five aunts, five uncles, and twenty one cousins. That's thirty three people.
My mother's family is even bigger. She has three brothers and six sisters. Most of them are married and some of them have enormous families. On my mother's side of the family I have two grandparents (my grandfather died twenty five years ago), nine aunts and six uncles. And, believe it or not, there are forty two cousins on my mother's side of the family. That's fifty nine people!
If you didn't fail your last math exam, you now think that there are one hundred and ten people in my immediate and extended family but you are wrong. Many of my cousins are married with children of their own so, to get an accurate count of all my extended relatives, you must also include them in the final number.
Are you ready? If you include the spouses of my cousins and their children, that's an additional one hundred and fifty five people. I am not lying! Now, add them all up for a final tally. What is the total? I confess that even I was surprised to learn just how many relatives I have. The final number is two hundred and sixty five. That's right, I have two hundred and sixty five people in my immediate and extended family. If we all got together at the same time, that would be one enormous family reunion, don't you think?
How about your family? How many aunts and uncles and cousins do you have? When you get married, how many children do you hope to have? If you are really ambitious, you could do what my friend Sam's parents did. They had twelve children. Actually, these days I don't think that's ambitious, I think it's plain crazy!
Sunday, June 29, 2003
Saturday, June 28, 2003
Friday, June 27, 2003
Thursday, June 26, 2003
Saturday, June 14, 2003
Thursday, June 12, 2003
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
Monday, June 09, 2003
Sunday, June 08, 2003
Saturday, June 07, 2003
Friday, June 06, 2003
friday | 06.06.03 | korea | year 2 overseas | day 33
Memorable moment
Today is Remembrance Day in Korea. It is the equivalent holiday to Memorial Day in the States. Schools and many business are closed so I have a much appreciated day off.
Yesterday, at the conclusion of my housewives class and a discussion of the upcoming holiday, one of my students, a kind but silly woman whose gregarious nature masks her limited English language skills, approached me and solemnly said, "Your country, many people died here. Thank you." The moment passed as quickly as it came and left me stunned and humbled.
Thursday, June 05, 2003
Wednesday, June 04, 2003
Tuesday, June 03, 2003
Monday, June 02, 2003
Sunday, June 01, 2003
Saturday, May 31, 2003
friday | 05.30.03 | korea | year 2 overseas | day 26
Sa Dae Bu Go High School Class 12
I'm the first to admit to favoritism and this class of girls is the recipient of whatever benevolence I can muster twice a week. They're usually lively, attentive, well-behaved, and, as the last high school class I teach each Friday, a perfect way to end the week.
Thursday, May 29, 2003
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
tuesday | 05.27.03 | korea | year 2 overseas | day 23
Sa Dae Bu Go High School Class 16
It occurred to me these class pictures might be a little better with the teacher in them. Ooh, smart me. Here's the latest shot of one of my five different classes at the high school. Of the five, three are boys and two are girls. Which do you think I enjoy teaching the most?
Sa Dae Bu Go High School Class 16
It occurred to me these class pictures might be a little better with the teacher in them. Ooh, smart me. Here's the latest shot of one of my five different classes at the high school. Of the five, three are boys and two are girls. Which do you think I enjoy teaching the most?
tuesday | 05.27.03 | korea | year 2 overseas | day 23
Sa Dae Bu Go High School Class 16
It occurred to me these class pictures might be a little better with the teacher in them. Ooh, smart me. Here's the latest shot of one of my five different classes at the high school. Of the five, three are boys and two are girls. Which do you think I enjoy teaching the most?
Sunday, May 25, 2003
Friday, May 23, 2003
thursday | 05.22.03 | korea | year 2 overseas | day 18
Toothless, bug-eyed boy
My kindergarten portrait I believe, taken too many years ago. Specifically, that would make it 1974 or 1975. I know the flag is the common backdrop for these kinds of pictures but it also echoes the patriotic memories of my elementary school days. Good times.
friday | 05.23.03 | korea | year 2 overseas | day 19
A language or a cultural problem
I'll admit upfront it's a little unfair to characterize the growing problem at the academy as a language problem. That gives the impression there is a difficult situation arising out of the differences in the native languages spoken by the English and Korean teachers. It would be more accurate to say the rift, which appears to be stagnant if not growing, is a symptom of the cultural differences between the two groups of teachers.
Since I returned from the States a mere 3 weeks ago, there is a difference in the air at our charming little language academy. The Korean teachers have their clique and the foreign teachers have their clique and "never the twain shall meet." I would argue that I have made attempts to reach out and I imagine some of the Korean teachers would argue likewise but beyond polite salutations, there is little in the way of meaningful interaction.
One might ask, "Why do you care?" and I would proceed to call that person foul names. After I had dispensed with such a foolish person, I might realize he may have had a valid point. I care because I'm tired of reaching out only to never receive reciprocal gestures. I'm tired of being nice and patient with the Koreans' moderatly good English. I'm tired of feeling like a minority (ooh, that's rich with potential material to analyze).
Mostly I think I've grown tired of the living overseas experience and I'm worried I'm going to stay tired unless I can deal with the problem and move beyond it. I still enjoy teaching and I can still see myself doing this long term but for the short term, I've suddenly grown weary of working at this particular academy in this particular country.
Thursday, May 22, 2003
thursday | 05.22.03 | korea | year 2 overseas | day 18
Toothless, bug-eyed boy
My kindergarten portrait I believe, taken too many years ago. Specifically, that would make it 1974 or 1975. I know the flag is the common backdrop for these kinds of pictures but it also echoes the patriotic memories of my elementary school days. Good times.
Wednesday, May 21, 2003
Sunday, April 27, 2003
Wednesday, March 05, 2003
Saturday, March 01, 2003
Sunday, February 23, 2003
A brief visit to a Communist country
sunday | 02.23.03 | korea | day 345
Taken on my recent visit to Panmunjom in the DMZ between North Korea and South Korean. I am standing next to a South Korean soldier in the North Korean portion of a simple but important conference room which straddles the DMZ. The expression on my face reflects what I felt was the sobering reality of the room.
Taken on my recent visit to Panmunjom in the DMZ between North Korea and South Korean. I am standing next to a South Korean soldier in the North Korean portion of a simple but important conference room which straddles the DMZ. The expression on my face reflects what I felt was the sobering reality of the room.
sunday | 02.23.03 | korea | day 345
A brief visit to Communist North Korea
Taken on my recent visit to Panmunjom in the DMZ between North Korea and South Korean. I am standing next to a South Korean soldier in the North Korean portion of a simple but important conference room which straddles the DMZ. The expression on my face reflects what I felt was the sobering reality of the room.
Tuesday, February 18, 2003
monday | 02.18.03 | korea | day 340
An epiphany
Since making the decision ( a mere five days ago!) to return to Korea after my March - April vacation to the states, several thoughts have fallen into place alongside several events which have confirmed, for me, the wisdom of said decision. Read the full post
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
Sunday, January 26, 2003
sunday | 01.26.03 | korea | day 327
S.Korea Races to Erase Web Worm Ahead of Work Week
SEOUL (Reuters) - South Korean systems engineers raced on Sunday to repair Internet networks ahead of the start of the working week, after the country was hit hard during a global attack by a fast-spreading computer worm.
In what experts called the most damaging attack on the Internet in 18 months, the worm known as "SQL" ("sequel") Slammer targeted a known weakness in Microsoft Corp's software to shut down powerful server computers -- clogging the pipelines of the worldwide network.
South Korea, the world's most wired country, said its Internet companies would boost security spending to try to prevent a repeat of the outage that paralyzed broadband and mobile services on Saturday afternoon.
"It's not clear why Korea was targeted but the damage was huge -- partly because Korea has a huge Internet population and this helped the rapid spread of the worm," said an official at KT Corp, Korea's largest Internet service provider.
(By Kim Miyoung, Sunday, January 26, 2003, 02:14 AM ET )
Hence the bruises on my forehead: I spent Saturday afternoon and evening banging my head against the wall trying in vain to get online. If only my internet provider, KT, had been kind enough to call me and tell me about the problem, I might have avoided having a near-meltdown!
Saturday, January 25, 2003
Friday, January 24, 2003
friday | 01.24.03 | korea | day 325
Respect breeds respect
An brief encounter last night changed my philosophy of the role that should exist between the teachers of children and their parents. First the experience, then the epiphany.
I teach an intermediate writing class for Korean students with advanced English language skills. The class is small (four students, two girls and two boys, 11-15 years old) and they've each lived for an extended period in Canada or the United States. We meet twice a week for two hours. I learned earlier in the day that the father of a 15 year old boy in the class had expressed a desire to meet me. This particular student possesses great speaking skills and has always been eager and well-behaved in class so I was more than anxious to meet his father.
As it happened, he was waiting at the front desk to meet me after the writing class last night. Apparently he is an English teacher himeself at a high school in Chunchon so we had no trouble communicating. He did nothing more than bow courteously, shake my hand, thank me for teaching his son, and express a desire for me to join his family for dinner in the near future.
Dinner with one's family is not to be casually dismissed but it was this man's other actions that I found so deferential. This isn't the first time I've found respect as a simple teacher but it reinforced the personal satisfaction I already take in being a teacher. Upon further reflection, I recognized the wisdom of a parent taking the initiative to establish a cordial relationship with his child's teacher early, before problems can or do arise.
Without uttering the words, the parent's plea is, "Please teach my child well." And a responsible teacher will, in the course of teaching, heed that plea by focusing on that child. A student may act as if he or she doesn't care about learning but if a teacher knows the parent of such a child cares, that teacher can more easily fight the discouragement and despair even the best of us often feel.
I feel bound now to work harder to fulfill what I view as my duties as a teacher. It's a great feeling.
Saturday, January 18, 2003
Friday, January 17, 2003
friday | 01.17.03 | korea | day 318
The "famous" Haeundae Beach
From my visit to Busan in December. It may have been a cold, blustery day, fit for "neither fish nor fowl," but the crashing waves and the flocks of seagulls had a charm all their own.
Wait a minute. By their presence, it must have been fit enough for the fowls and since they're cold-blooded and aquatic, it's hard to believe the fish were all that put out. On second thought, it must have been a sunny, pleasant day.
Friday, January 03, 2003
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