The party is over

Good Bye Chuncheon
Originally uploaded by digitalnut

I'm just shy of two years home from Korea. In some ways, returning to Utah was the right decision: I regained a small portion of my sanity, I proved myself as a capable, appealing teacher on my home court, and I even got back into the dating game (thanks to a helpful push).

In some other ways, though, I wonder if it remains right to stay home. The better money aside, the life of an expatriate teaching English in South Korea is simply more exciting, and I look at the number of pictures these days I take as exhibit number one.

I bought my first digital camera six years ago, prior to visiting China for the first time. Since then, I've organized my photos on my computer by year and month. Though I was an aspiring photog from the beginning, it took a while to reach my monthly average of 300 - 400 pictures a month, which is where it stood two years ago.

Since returning home, I'm lucky if I average 50 a month. I concede we're always surrounded by a multitude of picture taking possibilities, but going from exotic Asia to ordinary America has left me uninspired. Out of habit, I still carry my Canon PowerShot S50 everywhere, but I'm ashamed to admit it often lies forgotten in the bottom of my backpack.

"So," an old friend recently asked, "why don't you go back to Korea?"

Perhaps I could rejoin the dating scene back in Korea, though I'd have to give up living my beloved 춘천 (Chuncheon - see the highway sign in the photo). Perhaps I could take a leave of absence from getting my teaching credentials, though the folks at the USOE ARL office would probably say no. And perhaps I could even find a job in Korea, given my experience, that doesn't require me to take entry level pay and work entry level hours.

Those are a lot of uncertainties I'd be willing to take if it wasn't for the nagging feeling I have that I'm trying to recreate the perfect party. You know how it goes: with apparently little planning or forethought, you and a friend throw a perfect party. The friends, the food, the drinks, the atmosphere, it all comes together and even becomes legendary as the perfect party.

Later, in an attempt to recreate the fun, you try to recreate every element of said perfect party to no avail. Something about that first party will always remain elusive because you've elevated it beyond what it actually was and closed yourself off to a new experience.

In some ways, I prefer to preserve my memories of Korea, China, Taiwan, and Japan as they are in my mind right now: the perfect party.

Movie buff goldmine

www.imdb.com

I can't recall when or how I discovered The Internet Movie Database, but it's been a favorite resource at least since I first ventured to South Korea in 2002. IMDb contains such a breadth and depth of movie information, it's a wonder more people (besides Carly and me) don't seem to know about it.

With data such as release dates, actors, quotes, trivia, goofs, ratings, reviews, and plot summaries, anyone with the desire can pass himself off as a movie buff. I'm half convinced Laura Holt and Remington Steele used IMDb to verbally spar with one another and find similarities between their latest case and their favorite Hollywood classics. Never mind Al Gore had yet to invent the Internet in 1982. (Wow, I researched and learned he sort of did invent the Internet. Sneaky bastard.)

Aside from tracking an actor's movie career or reading about the hidden goofs in a movie, the slickest thing I've discovered to do on IMDb is to search for movies two actors starred in together. Can't recall what movie Edward Norton and Brad Pitt starred in? Go, for example, to Edward Norton's filmography page, scroll to the bottom of the page, and enter Brad Pitt. The search leads to Fight Club (a great movie).

Lest one mistake my efforts to promote the benefits and enjoyment of stuffing your head with movie trivia with Hollywood adoration, I can only say I don't. Clever, huh?

Late to the game

Though I'm really nothing more than a typical consumer of electronics, I take a certain amount of pride in being an early adopter. I bought my first digital camera, a Canon Powershot A40, in May 2002 (it had 2 megapixels). I bought my first MP3 player in early 2003 (it held 512MB). I bought and still use my excellent 40GB iRiver H140 the following year. And while I still don't own my own Mac, I gave up on Windows in favor of the new Intel Macs more than 2 years ago.

The list of software and Internet services I adopted before every other schmo is even longer: Picasa (way before Google noticed), P2P, Skype, Ceiva, Firefox, Flickr, del.icio.us, and more. Oh, and Blogger: I starting blogging in mid-2002 before most anyone knew what a blog was.

Many of the services I used had a social networking element, especially since Web 2.0 became big 2 years ago, but none of my friends, acquaintances, or family shared my interests enough to convince me social networking worked. Making them work seemed like too much work.

When I heard the buzz about MySpace and Facebook, I was skeptical. Something about the missionary zeal with which people tried to get other to join turned me off. With school out for the summer though, I've been bored, so I signed up for Facebook.

Then, zoom! Within 36 hours I had 14 friends, real friends, people I've fallen out of touch with, people I might not have been able to find otherwise. It's all very exciting. And life-affirming. I mean, I feel so popular.

And now I want you to join. Won't you please join my newfound cult? Please? Everyone's doing it. Even me.

Later

It's been a year since my last post, exactly.

How lonely.

Why I loved Stranger Than Fiction

I suppose I'll probably be accused of egotism when I say that I appreciated the movie Stranger Than Fiction on a deeper level than most people will probably get, but at least that's better than some of the other labels a few people have prematurely pasted on me lately. Boo-hoo.

People who have seen the preview to this movie likely assume it is a comedy. And why not? With Will Farrell as the leading man it's easy to see past the clever premise of the movie and presume this is the next in a series of funny flicks starring the former SNL funnyman. The preview, however, does a disservice to the movie itself by missing the scope and depth of the film (and by giving away most of the funny lines). What became apparent to me about halfway through the movie was that this story about a story was in fact a compelling metaphor.

I don't possess the skills of a movie critic and I'm too far removed from my days as an English student to properly outline how the lines between fiction and reality cross in this movie and how that clash parallels our reality so I'll just draw attention to the fact that there is more to this movie than just of string of humorous lines and situations.

Unfortunately, most of my fellow moviegoers sounded as though they were swept up in the surface comedy and they didn't seem to appreciate the larger message about life and death as tragedy, which message moved me to marvel by movie's end, "This is one of the best movies I've ever seen." Whether or not my marveling will subside by morning or my hyperbole will, over time, prove to be true, I'm can't say.

I CAN say Stranger Than Fiction is a thought-provoking, sensitive, movie. Significant elements of the movie impressed me and moved me in unique ways because of my own circumstances but I trust, if you are open, you too may walk away from this movie with a little bit of a deeper appreciation of your life as fiction.

Almost time to leave Gapyeong

Laughing at my frustration
Originally uploaded by digitalnut.

After a year of teaching public school in Gapyeong, it's nearly time to leave. I'm nostalgic about the sweet students I'll miss but it will be nice to be home for a while.

Of course my camera is working overtime, taking scads of pictures and video. Unfortunately, cute as they are, some students just don't know the meaning of "Smile!" when snapping a picture so I have to work some magic. You'd think all the popcorn I fed them (thanks Mischelle!) would be enough.

Photos from Mom's trip to Korea

It seems like ages ago that my mother visited me here in Korea but it's only been two months. We had such a great time together and I'm certain her trip will go down as one of my best experiences abroad. I posted these pictures online a while ago. Peruse them as you like. Comments are always appreciated.

Mom in Korea

Jun 9, 2006 - 80 Photos

Suddenly cooler weather

After a month of heat in the low 90s and humidity in the high 80s, when the only relief I could find was swimming in the cool mountain river behind my apartment, an eight hour rainstorm Wednesday night broke the heat and ushered in some of the most delightfully cool, fall weather I can recall.

The breeze that blows through my apartment, even now, animates the wind chime hanging in my window and reminds me how great the post-summer weather is in Korea.

Calvin's dad explains science

Calvin's Dad's Explanations of Scientific Phenomena
I was reading and collecting Calvin and Hobbes back in the 80s when Marmaduke and Ally Oop passed for good comic page reading. Hardly.

This link is a great capture of some of Calvin's father's outlandish explanations of scientific phenomena.

Mother's Day

YouTube is great for a lots of things, like this outstanding comedy short.

Parasite photographers

After I bought my first digital camera four years ago, a Canon A40, I was anxious to make use of the fun settings, so I went to a public park in Seoul and started snapping black and whites of the old men sitting around waiting for a free lunch to be served by the city.

I soon discovered people don't like having their pictures taken without permission by strangers. I got lots of dirty looks, several hands waving me away, and even one scolding. I chuckled inside, unbothered and content that I was simply improving my camera skills.

Fast forward to yesterday. I visited Insadong, in Seoul, an upscale shopping district popular for its paper goods, masks, street vendors, and other souvenirs. (Incidentally, Insadong is only a five minute walk from that park I visited four years ago.) I sat down to take a break from the stifling humidity when I noticed these two men, sporting digital SLRs with fancy zooms, snapping pictures of unsuspecting tourists. When the guy on the right pointed his camera across the lane at me, I covered my face with a shopping bag, irritated to find myself on the other end of a photographer's lens.

Then, I remembered I'm often such a parasite (though I try to be more discrete about it these days), so I opened my own camera, set the autofocus, crossed the lane, said, "Say 'Kimchi!'" and took this picture. I thought they might not appreciate my table-turning but the guy on the left actually obeyed and said, "Kimchi!"

Nice.

10 things I'm going to miss about Korea

My latest teaching contract ends in a few weeks when I plan to return to the States. It is uncertain, for now, where I'll work next.

After four years in Korea, thoughts of leaving for good have made me nostalgic about the things I'll miss when I go. In no particular order, they are:

1-the delicious, often endearing, naiveté of 20-something Korean girls (actually all girls under 35)

2-small breasts (there, I said it)

3-the thrill of learning and being able to actually use a clever new Korean phrase

4-anonymity

5-public transportation

6-the pass I frequently get for being a foreigner

7-every single one of my student, some especially so

8-the green, green, green, green countryside

9-the familiarity I have with my own corner of the country

10-the closeness of Korean history and contemporary culture
*Bonus*
11-high-speed internet

10 Things I Hate About Commandments

Snow White in Korea

Snow White in the Korean countryside
Originally uploaded by digitalnut.

I took a ride on my freshly repaired scooter this afternoon after work
in the hills near my apartment when, what to my wondering eye should
appear, but Snow White and the five "little people."

The signs suggest this is some sort of academy but the building is
typical of kitschy hotels one often sees out here in the country.

Mom arrives in Korea

She's come and gone now but I thought it'd be fun to post a few pictures from mom's visit to Korea. Looking back, it was a pretty short time between the moment we first talked about her visiting and the moment she finished navigating the airports from Utah to San Francisco to Seoul and walked through the doors into the public lobby at Incheon International Airport in Korea.

The actual journey took nearly 18 hours (see how frazzled she looks). I rented a car to pick her up and Jen came along to help navigate. It took another two hours to get back to my place and another hour to get settled. She was wired and awake the whole time and only just a little tired the next couple days.

International travel is funny that way. I've made the Pacific leap a dozen times now and the most I've ever felt is mildly tired for a day or two. What's this jet lag everyone whines about anway?

 

A time to laugh

"Say kimchi!"
Originally uploaded by digitalnut.

On my birthday recently, my 3rd grade elementary school students surrounded me on the playground and belted out a stirring rendition of "Happy Birthday." It was the highlight of a day I was originally dreading.

A few days later, five of those students came to my classroom during their lunch recess to practice a Q & A we had studied earlier in exchange for a Jolly Rancher. Another piece of candy pursuaded them to pose for the camera. I had to pull a face and snap another picture to get them to smile though.

The first shot that didn't take is definitely worth comparing here.

Americans not allowed

Not allow to enter American
Originally uploaded by digitalnut.

In June 2002, two South Korean girls were accidentally and tragically crushed to death by US Military vehicles conducting exercises. There followed an intense flare-up of anti-American sentiment complete with protests, some of which turned violent.

Many business also posted signs, like this one in Chuncheon, stating American were not welcome. This sign was posted on the door of my favorite DVD room where I often went to watch current American movies in the comfort of an air conditioned room with surround sound.

I snapped this picture, got scolded by the manager, and never returned, even after the country cooled off and the signs came down.

Hmm..., I wonder, if, in addition to excluding Americans, the manager also pulled all the American DVDs. Since Hollywood flicks usually consititue some 70% of the movie choices in Korea, I doubt it.

On the bus to Everland

One the bus to Everland
Originally uploaded by digitalnut.

After a week of tough midterms last week, my students got a day off for a field trip to Everland, the largest amusement park in Korea and I was lucky enough to get to tag along.

The most fun I had was on the two hour bus rides, to and from the park, mingling with the students. Some kids played the typical shy game but most were eager to talk and snap pictures. It's the ideal time to practice speaking, outside the classroom, where we chat about real-world stuff.

I don't always manage to remember names (in this picture, I could tell you two out of three) but personalities always stand out. The boy on the left is outgoing and chatty, the girl in the middle eager and attentive, and the girl on the right is solemn and shy - this picture captured a rare smile.

Birthday wishes

I wasn't looking forward to my birthday yesterday because, with the biggest exception of my students, I'm pretty unhappy and lonely at my job these days (to put it mildly). To my surprise however, my Korean co-teacher (who's about the most dull, unimaginative woman I've ever met) presented me with a nice Korean DVD as a gift. I'm interested in Korean movies lately and I recently bought a portable DVD player from Hong Kong. That she remembered this and made the connection to buy such a practical gift impressed me.

I had not planned to tell anyone it was my birthday but, since my co-teacher already knew, she passed the word around school and, all day long, I received shouts of "Happy birthday to you!" from my middle school students (instead of just "Happy birthday!" - it was a little comical) in class, in the halls, and in the cafeteria at lunchtime. These students are usually very outgoing and most of them are eager to practice speaking but today it felt like they tried especially hard to be friendly.

The best treat of all though happened when I was sitting outside near the elementary school playground in the late morning between classes. (Being so far out in the country as we are here, the elementary and middle schools are located in the same building and I teach at both of them) It was such a beautiful, cool day! My 3rd grade elementary school class came outside with their homeroom teacher to practice their recorders (and they sound just as awful in Korea they do in America). I could hear them coming out but I didn't pay much attention until, suddenly, they swarmed around me and broke out into an enthusiastic, spontaneous rendition of "Happy Birthday." They sang it perfectly, just like I'd taught them a few weeks earlier. (They mostly already knew the song in English but I helped them polish it up a bit and they remembered everything.)

In my time in Korea, I usually get more excited about the endearing qualities of my 4th and 5th grade students but, yesterday, those 3rd grade kids lifted my spirits and helped me look beyond the dumb things I've been obsessed with lately. I had some free time to kill and their teacher didn't seem to mind that they were spending more time trying to talk to me than screeching on their recorders so we "talked" for half an hour. Picture 15+ students fighting for your attention and then only being able to understand 15% of what they're trying to say once they get it.

Such is my life in Korea and, on days like yesterday , I have to admit I love it.

Rooftop View

Nearby homes
Originally uploaded by digitalnut.

Winter is finally a fading memory and the trees and gardens as seen from the rooftop of my five story apartment building are returning.

Birthday lanterns for Buddha

Birthday lanterns
Originally uploaded by digitalnut.

After traveling to Everland, the largest amusement park in Korea, with my middle school students on Thursday, we all had the day off Friday for Children's Day on Friday. I took the bus to Seoul in the afternoon and met up with Jen and some friends to visit a large Buddhist temple in Seoul.

I was unaware of the birthday celebrations for Buddha's 2,550th birthday. And there was an enoromous crowd gathered under the beautiful, colorful lanterns. After being allowed to pass through the temple among actual worshippers, we joined the crowd outside for a concert.

We were amused by the selection of songs from the '60s being played by the electric band in English. The locals seemed to enjoy it too, though some of them seemed to have trouble clapping to the rhythm.

After the temple, we went to Itaewon for dinner at Pancho's. I had a delicious chicken chimichanga and satisfied perhaps the number one craving I have in Korea after home cooking: mexican food.

"That's OK."

"That's OK."
Originally uploaded by digitalnut.

My new game is to randomly turn one of my students out to take pictures with my camera. After a 20 second lesson on how to press the shutter, with no other instruction, they usually take off and return 15 minutes later with as many as 50 pictures. I am rarely disappointed by the results. In fact, I am frequently stunned by some of the amazing pictures they take.

One such conscripted photographer, a middle school girl, took this picture. Though these girls are two of my best, most vocal and experimental 9th grade students, I doubt they ever would have posed like this for me.

A few tweaks in Picasa to remove the haze and sharpen the colors and, wallah, here's my latest favorite guest photograph.

$5 more for water

The apartment building where I dwell, far out in the Korean countryside, draws its water supply from a well. When the water level in the well is low, it is difficult, if not impossible, to get water for such extravagant tasks as washing the dishes or taking a shower. It doesn't happen often, but once it caused me to miss church because I couldn't take a shower one Sunday morning in time to get dressed and catch the one bus that would get me to Seoul on time for opening services.

Two weeks ago, a petition was circulated to convert the building water supply from the well to piped water from the county. If switched, our individual monthly service fee would rise from about $10 a month to $15 a month. A small price to pay for reliable water, right?

The problem is the buses. Not only do they only pass through every one or two hours on the way to and from the "city" of Gapyeong where I can catch buses and trains to bigger and better cities, they stop running altogether at 8 PM. This means I must frequently rely on taxis to get home from excursions to Seoul or Chuncheon at night or during the day when I don't want to wait an hour for the next bus home. Taxis into the country are expensive, nearly $9 from the Gapyeong bus terminal to my apartment building.

With a minimum of two or three $9 taxis a week, I don't relish the thought of being forced to pay even $5 more a month if I can avoid it, even if it means going without water on occasion. I signed "No" on the petition to change to piped water.

Last week the results of the petition came back: Yes - 46, No - 1.

I lose.

The apartment building where I dwell, far out in the Korean countryside, draws its water supply from a well. When the water level in the well is low, it is difficult, if not impossible, to get water for such extravagant tasks as washing the dishes or taking a shower. It doesn't happen often, but once it caused me to miss church because I couldn't take a shower one Sunday morning in time to get dressed and catch the one bus that would get me to Seoul on time for the opening services.

Last week, a petition was circulated to convert the building water supply from the well to piped water from the county. If switched, our individual monthly service fee would rise from about $10 a month to $15 a month. A small price to pay for reliable water, right?

The problem is the buses. Not only do they only pass through every one or two hours on the way to and from the "city" of Gapyeong where I can catch buses and trains to bigger and better cities, they stop running altogether at 8 PM. This means I must frequently rely on taxis to get home from excursions to Seoul or Chuncheon at night or during the day when I don't want to wait an hour for the next bus home. Taxis into the country are expensive, nearly $9 from the Gapyeong bus terminal to my apartment building.

With a minimum of two or three $9 taxis a week, I don't relish the thought of being forced to pay even $5 more a month if I can avoid it, even if it means going without water on occasion. I signed "No" on the petition to change to piped water.

Yesterday the results of the petition came back: Yes - 46, No - 1.

I lose.

I'm back! It's been a nice 2 1/2 year hiatus; now it's time to get back to writing and posting pictures.

It's been more than two weeks now since I've been able to access or edit my blog. And not it's been three days since I've been able to access hotmail. Why?!!

Welcome to Ministry of Labor, Republic of Korea, Labor Standards Act: "Article 71 (Menstruation Leave)

An employer shall allow a female worker one day's menstruation leave with pay per month. "

Hmmm . . . What a progressive country I work in. Hard to imagine anyone would ever use such a benefit; a woman would have to announce why she was taking the day off and surely it would be hard to keep her coworkers from knowing why she was absent.

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. . . after

before . . .

How did I get here? What train of damnation brought me here so swiftly? Why did I so readily ignore the pavers on this road to hell? I so readily supplied those pavers, a willingly blind accomplice to my own personal destruction. How anxious I was to sublimate my supposed eternal agenda in favor of the dark secrets of my heart. How utterly foolish I was to think I could aspire to those lofty peaks as I wallowed in the gutter of self-satisfaction.

Cast all of my upcoming psycho self-analysis aside and think on my own about the root of my problems. What do I fear? Of what am I uncertain? Why am I reluctant to face or concede my shortcomings especially when there exists the possibility I could break the chains that bind me? Do these musings of late bear any worth or do they just mask or shelter me from yet again facing the truth? I should bear in mind they ought never become more than a means and never the and itself.

Mine is the life of the damned, the life of the miserable, lonely, unhappy, unfulfilled, discontent, disquieted, abandoned, the life of the damned.

I am alone.

How I got here may some day be a lesson to others how not to live. But really, what did I do so wrong that would engender such misery? Am I really as bad, repugnant, despicable, and without redemption that I deserve such punishment? If not, then how did I really get here?

What did I really do to get here?

Where is here? Here is lonely, alone, unhappy, single, nearly friendless, neglected, forgotten, bitter, and, once more, damned.

If I don't self-implode of my own doing it will be due only to the elusive grace of God.

Happiness is elusive. So is lasting peace. So are true friends, caring friends, unconditional friends. Do they exist? It's doubtful.

Where can I turn for peace?

If the time should come that I can think about dating again, I'll have a fundamental problem to overcome: the plague. Yes, I have the plague or something equivalent to it that makes the softer sex run away, screaming for life. I can recall at least four instances of such terror-runnings over the past twelve months.

The cause of this fundamental and monumental problem is both obvious and murky to me. Obvious because I can hear a professional making the cause and effect link after suffering through an hour of listening to my sad tale; murky because I just don't' get why behavior A leads to outcome B. Thus I flounder and fight the tide that would bring me home to the sheltered harbor I dream will protect me from the frequent, sudden, violent storms I new endure.

Dating then is a distant, sometimes pleasant, often forgettable, memory, not a present hope. And my pain grows.

When it comes to interacting with others, I know I can be an ass. I know that even as I try to avoid this tendency, as I try to be a nice person, people tend to think of me with ill regard. I don't mean kind, charitable people; rather, I mean worldly, do-it-on-your-own people, the types who are subject to their daily changing personal whims.

This all flies in the face of the kind of persona I try and think I exude. In spite of my easily offended nature, I think of myself in terms of being a thoughtful, considerate, jovial person. I go out of my way to offer the types of common courtesies to my coworkers I hope they'll offer in return. I am more patient and forgiving than most. I almost daily seek to initiate conversations and interactions that will promote and build on common ground.

So I take severe exception to people who appear to take long-term offense to me or my behavior. I cannot help but take it personally, deeply personally, when others shut themselves off to me under the guise that I am impossible to work with, especially when they do so without so much as attempting to seek a common ground or understanding themselves.

Of course this rant all has relevant context. Excluding the drama of my problems with C. some months back and dismissing the ongoing but (I hope) improving problems with the K.T., I feel embroiled in yet another growing misunderstanding between S. and myself, which would be bad enough by itself but it's spreading to the reasonable, stable half of that partnership, G.

And I'm faced with the same problem I always encounter in such situations: should I act and proceed as though I don't care, that it doesn't bother me, and as if I'm completely ignorant of the change in the other person's behavior or should I instead confront the problem and, in this instance, the dreary, tedious, dull, reactionary, contrary, small-minded, frumpy, borish perpetrator of said problem?

If it's possible to feel worse about myself, I'm sure I'll discover it. I don't just feel physically fat, I feel obese in all my other selves: emotionally, spiritually, and more selves I can't think of.

Why did I allow myself to be led down this path of misery and loneliness? Why did I slumber? Why did I permit so many powerful opportunities to go unrealized? Why do I yet go down this path?

Was I really so lazy, incompetent, and/or stupid to think I could procrastinate my salvation 'til the time felt right? I think that's it: in the end, I was just stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Yet I still go down this path. Sometimes I even run. Do I sprint? I've been a f*** little s***, haven't I? Who else has squandered so many rich blessings? I have spent them all, like so much expendable capital thinking (rather not thinking) there wouldn't be an end to them. What an idiotic thing to do. What a childish, stupid thing to do.

Yet I still go down this path. I curse the lost things, the vanished chances. I curse the day I set foot on this path. I recall it too well. F*** that day.

Yet, I still go down this path. The kind people, the chances to grow and advance, the chances to serve and love and show charity - I spit on them all. I reject them, squander them, spend them, all to save myself the inconvenience of leaving this path, this path with the all-too-well-worn rut, and striking out into the unknown.

The unknown. I'm such the adventurer, right? Then why this 10+ year reluctance to take on the most eternal of challenges, this life altering (if by God's grace I could get it to work) self-peace process?

I live in self-imposed, solitary confinement, in the midst of a sea of people. When I muster the desire or the courage or the stupidity (no hard task) to venture out to interact with others, the smallest infraction is all it takes for me to give up. Were anyone to accuse me of not trying hard enough they would be right - though it feels I've become raw from trying. Remaining open and vulnerable in spite of the harshness of human(not-so)kind - what could possibly be harder? I'm damned, aren't I?

Ugh, just move on.

I am empty. I am lost. I fight to resist the endless surge of loneliness that ever strains to swallow me whole. My resistance wears thin. My defenses are vanishing. My hope is fading, fading...

What can I do to renew my hope? Where can I turn for help? How can I realistically expect to find a solution to my pain and loneliness? How can I possibly believe that I'll recognize it if I find it? In the name of God, what will it take to make me successfully use such a solution when or if I find it and recognize it?

If I dwell for more than a moment on the sheer size of my failure, the darkness, the abyss, fills my breast with terror. I am horrified when I think what I've squandered. How did I allow so many opportunities to slip away?

I stood at the crossroad, dazzled by the endless number and infinite variety of choices, baffled by the implications of the choices, mystified how I could ever make the right choices, and the opportunity to choose well slipped away.

What a fool I was. What a failure I am. What a hopeless, pathetic caricature I've become.

Heaven help me. Who else will?

The Korean Blog List - Korean related weblogs written in English: "Introduction



The Korean Blog List. It's very simple really. It's a list of English language blogs which relate to Korea. They may be written by Koreans or non-Koreans, but they all have one things in common. Korea.



The Korean Blog List aims to brings such blogs together, to make them easier for interested readers to find, and to help the bloggers get more readers."

Korea.net: Korean Government Homepage: "The Expatriate Handbook [English] Introduces 'The Expatriate Handbook' published by Hollym. It was compiled for the expatriate living in Seoul for a short, limited time only. The handbook takes an A to Z format providing information on everything, from locating day-to-day conveniences, to recreation, social and cultural information. "

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monday | 06.30.03 | korea | year 2 overseas | day 59

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I submitted the following this morning for publication in the high school newspaper. Keep in mind it was written to first year high school students, equivalent to 10th grade in the States, with intermediate English language skills.

My Big Family

One of the first things I noticed when I came to Korea last year in March was that families appear to be very important. Whether a family has one child, two children, or even four kids, Korean parents spend a lot of time and energy trying to raise happy families. It is much the same where I come from. My home state of Utah in the United States is famous for its large families but as large as each family gets, parents still love each child equally.

My own family is quite large when compared to most Korean families. I have one brother and four sisters. Both my mother and father came from large families so I also have many aunts, uncles, and cousins. Recently I sat down to determine just how many relatives I have. How big do you think my immediate and extended family is? Fifty people? Seventy five people? One hundred people? I think you'll be surprised.

I already mentioned that I have one brother and four sisters. Two of my sisters and my brother are married. One sister has two sons, the other has two daughters and one son, and my brother has one daughter and one son. That means I have four nephews and three nieces. Add them all up and I have eighteen people in my immediate family!

Now for my extended family. My father has two brothers and three sisters. They are all married of course and they have many children. So, on my father's side, I have two grandparents (though my grandfather passed away eight years ago), five aunts, five uncles, and twenty one cousins. That's thirty three people.

My mother's family is even bigger. She has three brothers and six sisters. Most of them are married and some of them have enormous families. On my mother's side of the family I have two grandparents (my grandfather died twenty five years ago), nine aunts and six uncles. And, believe it or not, there are forty two cousins on my mother's side of the family. That's fifty nine people!

If you didn't fail your last math exam, you now think that there are one hundred and ten people in my immediate and extended family but you are wrong. Many of my cousins are married with children of their own so, to get an accurate count of all my extended relatives, you must also include them in the final number.

Are you ready? If you include the spouses of my cousins and their children, that's an additional one hundred and fifty five people. I am not lying! Now, add them all up for a final tally. What is the total? I confess that even I was surprised to learn just how many relatives I have. The final number is two hundred and sixty five. That's right, I have two hundred and sixty five people in my immediate and extended family. If we all got together at the same time, that would be one enormous family reunion, don't you think?

How about your family? How many aunts and uncles and cousins do you have? When you get married, how many children do you hope to have? If you are really ambitious, you could do what my friend Sam's parents did. They had twelve children. Actually, these days I don't think that's ambitious, I think it's plain crazy!

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friday | 06.06.03 | korea | year 2 overseas | day 33

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Memorable moment

Today is Remembrance Day in Korea. It is the equivalent holiday to Memorial Day in the States. Schools and many business are closed so I have a much appreciated day off.

Yesterday, at the conclusion of my housewives class and a discussion of the upcoming holiday, one of my students, a kind but silly woman whose gregarious nature masks her limited English language skills, approached me and solemnly said, "Your country, many people died here. Thank you." The moment passed as quickly as it came and left me stunned and humbled.

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saturday | 05.31.03 | korea | year 2 overseas | day 27

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Charming nieces

Am I happy living and working in Korea? Of course. That said, here (above) are two reasons I'm more than a little sad I'm not home in the States.

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friday | 05.30.03 | korea | year 2 overseas | day 26

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Sa Dae Bu Go High School Class 12

I'm the first to admit to favoritism and this class of girls is the recipient of whatever benevolence I can muster twice a week. They're usually lively, attentive, well-behaved, and, as the last high school class I teach each Friday, a perfect way to end the week.

BLOGGER :: Dano FAQ

tuesday | 05.27.03 | korea | year 2 overseas | day 23

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Sa Dae Bu Go High School Class 16




It occurred to me these class pictures might be a little better with the teacher in them. Ooh, smart me. Here's the latest shot of one of my five different classes at the high school. Of the five, three are boys and two are girls. Which do you think I enjoy teaching the most?

tuesday | 05.27.03 | korea | year 2 overseas | day 23

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Sa Dae Bu Go High School Class 16

It occurred to me these class pictures might be a little better with the teacher in them. Ooh, smart me. Here's the latest shot of one of my five different classes at the high school. Of the five, three are boys and two are girls. Which do you think I enjoy teaching the most?

sunday | 05.25.03 | korea | year 2 overseas | day 21

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An outing to Hongchon




Myself, the director and his family and two other English teachers at the hagwon, Gregg and Sarah, taken May 18, after a long ride up the mountain in a small tram at a nearby ski resort, Hongchon.

sunday | 05.25.03 | korea | year 2 overseas | day 21

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An outing to Hongchon

Myself, the director and his family and two other English teachers at the hagwon, Gregg and Sarah, taken May 18, after a long ride up the mountain in a small tram at a nearby ski resort, Hongchon.

thursday | 05.22.03 | korea | year 2 overseas | day 18

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Toothless, bug-eyed boy

My kindergarten portrait I believe, taken too many years ago. Specifically, that would make it 1974 or 1975. I know the flag is the common backdrop for these kinds of pictures but it also echoes the patriotic memories of my elementary school days. Good times.

friday | 05.23.03 | korea | year 2 overseas | day 19

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A language or a cultural problem

I'll admit upfront it's a little unfair to characterize the growing problem at the academy as a language problem. That gives the impression there is a difficult situation arising out of the differences in the native languages spoken by the English and Korean teachers. It would be more accurate to say the rift, which appears to be stagnant if not growing, is a symptom of the cultural differences between the two groups of teachers.

Since I returned from the States a mere 3 weeks ago, there is a difference in the air at our charming little language academy. The Korean teachers have their clique and the foreign teachers have their clique and "never the twain shall meet." I would argue that I have made attempts to reach out and I imagine some of the Korean teachers would argue likewise but beyond polite salutations, there is little in the way of meaningful interaction.

One might ask, "Why do you care?" and I would proceed to call that person foul names. After I had dispensed with such a foolish person, I might realize he may have had a valid point. I care because I'm tired of reaching out only to never receive reciprocal gestures. I'm tired of being nice and patient with the Koreans' moderatly good English. I'm tired of feeling like a minority (ooh, that's rich with potential material to analyze).

Mostly I think I've grown tired of the living overseas experience and I'm worried I'm going to stay tired unless I can deal with the problem and move beyond it. I still enjoy teaching and I can still see myself doing this long term but for the short term, I've suddenly grown weary of working at this particular academy in this particular country.

wednesday | 05.21.03 | korea | day - who knows?

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Sa Dae Bu Go High School Class 11

Pretty girls!

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Sa Dae Bu Go High School Class 17

Crazy boys!

thursday | 05.22.03 | korea | year 2 overseas | day 18

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Toothless, bug-eyed boy

My kindergarten portrait I believe, taken too many years ago. Specifically, that would make it 1974 or 1975. I know the flag is the common backdrop for these kinds of pictures but it also echoes the patriotic memories of my elementary school days. Good times.

wednesday | 05.21.03 | korea | day - who knows?

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Sa Dae Bu Go High School Class 11

Pretty girls!

wednesday | 05.21.03 | korea | day - who knows?

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Sa Dae Bu Go High School Class 17

Crazy boys!